Insomnia

I haven't posted in a while, I've been very sick. Two illnesses in a row. Just a hazard of dorm life, I suppose. I was hoping to write some sort of great political rant or something of value but it isn't happening right now. I am just glad I am able to eat, go out, or even shit normally again.

Cat read one of my rants. It is my hope to turn it and maybe other things I would like to write into some sort of op-ed pieces or something. I could learn a lot from her about formatting a piece among a myriad of many other things. I find her to be an inspirational journalist and am proud to call her one of my best friends from Berlin.

I can't sleep so I write

You know, what keeps me up at night.. The thoughts. There are always too many. Especially in the moment when you are trying not to think but to sleep. In the dark, they flash right in front of you.

I think about a lot when trying to sleep. Not all bad, mind you. I think mostly about (what I guess is) the normal things. Money, girls, studies, the future... However I think of other things, too.

I worry about my Gram and feel guilty for her being where she is and for my being where I am.

I worry about never feeling good enough with who I am no matter how hard I try, like some one unknown to me is always silently judging me, when that person is really just me.

It's not like it's that guy that left me when I was young and never wanted anything to do with me. He can't judge me, he doesn't even know me.

My mother? She can't judge me fairly because I will always be her son.

The strangers walking down the street? They know nothing of me and could care less (or more? I never understood that saying) about me.

No one can judge me and my actions but myself. And if I feel like I have been judged wanting and not living up to something I should be then those thoughts of persecution come from within and may never be beat. I will only beat myself.

Why should I feel guilty for my actions? Because I did what I could and had to do? For throwing some one some where, where I promised I wouldn't and will probably do that again one day because it's just the natural order of things and will probably end up there myself?

Nature doesn't seem that natural to me.

This is insomnia